Hello Sunshine

11096.) I’m not special, unique, or life-changing. But every once in awhile, I realize how happy I actually am.

(via blogsecret)

Sometimes I’m really happy with my life and everything in it.

You can’t be happy all the time.

But I’m certainly happy a lot.

I wish I didn’t need people. I used to love being alone. I don’t know why I’m not content with it here. I should be, but I’m not. I guess I’m not really close to anyone yet though. Except Brittany. I really love Brittany. And I really love Sarah too. And Trevor and Palmer and Jenny and Joe. I’m surrounded by amazing people.

Ben makes me so unbelievably happy. I love him so much. I can’t even put it into words. I just have this undeniably strong feeling of… I don’t know what to call it. He’s an amazing best friend. I should tell him that more often.

I should be at seminar but I’m not… I feel exhausted and tired but happy in nature.

I think I’m going to draw Alton his picture. I really just want the rain to come back, bringing with it those picturesque autumn moments.

I’ve almost read the whole His Dark Materials trilogy in the past week. It’s been enlightening. Amazing really. I don’t know how some people consider it to be a childrens book.

I feel like I have a lot more to say… just lacking words…

I wish I could see the stars here in Annapolis. I miss sitting and wondering at everything I couldn’t comprehend. We can name constalations and we can discover patterns but everything we discover is a creation of our own. We can never really discover the truth of something objectively. Isn’t everything we know a creation of our own? Language really doesn’t convey the truth of something, language is merely a means to put what we think soemthing is into words. Everything absolute is a human creation, because there is no absolute in nature…

I’m sleepy…. zzzZZZzzzz

I’ve been really okay lately. More than okay.

Rain was beautifully persistent this week, but I enjoyed it. It feels like fall with damp leaves on the ground and the smell of fresh earth. I really love the subdued feeling of everything, looking misty and calming. I don’t know why… I think everything stands out beautifully against an autumn backdrop.

Smells like a fire in our room… I don’t mind though, I like it.

Haven’t gotten much work done this weekend. I think I’m going to do a bunch of reading tonight. I’ve been reading the His Dark Materials trilogy all week and it’s been fascinating.

I keep having random thoughts replaying memories that have some sort of importance to me. My life has changed so much in the past two months…

Ben came to visit. That perked me up a lot! And I played Zelda with Alton all weekend… and we made brownies and hot chocolate and oh it felt like autumn so much! Curling up in the cold with rain pattering against the windows. Enjoying the shared warmth of someone else and the simple fun of playing Zelda. We smoked a couple bowls on his bong and I we both got really baked…

It was a mild weekend. But a good one.

Swing dances are boring if no one there knows how to swing (and use tension!!!).

I’m still really lonely.

Unbelievably lonely.

Undeniably lonely.

But it’s not a full loneliness, but it’s not empty either. I’m almost content with myself. I’m almost okay with being alone. With being happy alone. Whether I realize it or not, I’m always on a journey towards myself, even when I feel most lost. I need to learn that I can find comfort within myself. That I can lean into my own arms.

I just want someone to be there. I want one person who is undeniably with me. And I guess I’m hurting. I feel inadequate. I feel like I blew my chance at making friends and fitting in with a certain crowd. I feel like I don’t belong anywhere. There are groups that accept me but not groups I belong in. There are people I’m friends with but no one I’ve really bonded with.

It hurts because I want to be someone who’s soul is shining. I want someone to recognize the fact that I have meaningful things to say. I want someone to see me. I think I really want Sarah to see me. I really admire her, I respect her so much, and I want to be a friend that’s worth having to her. I want her to think that I have something to bring to her life.

I just got a lot out. I have so much I want to say, so many sprightly thoughts dancing around in my mind, but no one who really cares to hear them.

I think I’m getting there, but I still have a long way to go. I’m not content with myself just yet.

8952.) you don’t want to be together, but you still want to have sex. why can’t you understand that all i want is for us to be together- and have LOTS of sex?

I hate it when people assume you have to be either a romantic or an erotic person. Because I’m definately a romantic. I’m just a romantic who happens to be really really sensual too. :)

Ben and I had a moment last night. I think the fact that he’s actually showing that he’s upset that I’m leaving means a lot. Well, at least to me. It’s funny how he turned out to be the best friend I’ve ever had. I mean, he’s not more thoughtful, he’s not more caring; he’s just there. And I’m there. And then we’re together, doing something mildly entertaining. I don’t think he realizes how much I love just hanging out. It’s not bundles of joy and laughter, but it’s satisfying.

Ben Clark makes me happy, and I will miss that.

We’re suppossed to be school shopping right now, but (surprise!) mom isn’t ready to leave and at this point, I just want to go alone. I really am ready to be alone.

“Moths are like the drunks of the insect world.”

I think I was slightly dissapointed. I wonder if it showed.

And in all honesty, the only reason I was only slightly dissapointed was because I expected this. It still hurts, and the worst part is that I really wish I could not care. I wish I could be like you. But maybe that’s I lie. I’ve always cared, and I will always want to care. I guess I’m just tired letting myself down. You’re just so strange and beautiful. It’s hard not to care.

I don’t think Ben understands how much I admire him. I value his friendship a lot. It’s nights like these I appreciate his company. We can do absolutely nothing and it’s fun.

I’m really hungry but I don’t want to eat. I really want a smoothie. It’s 2:13 a.m. and I’m really frustrated with my current state of life. FUCK.

I’m not sure where to go from here. I think I just need college to start so I can shift my attention to other things. I need to study up on my greek some more; I don’t have the symbols down but I’ve memorized the alphabet. I still need to get bedding too. I need time. I really just need a lot of time, and more money, and someone I can depend on.

My thoughts keep jumping. And I’m still hungry. My stomach is sort of distracting.

My mind is pacing back and forth and back and forth. My “firm” resolution seems to constantly waver every two seconds. I’ve written and rewritten and thought and re-thought every single word over and over. And when I’ve finally written it out, it’s erased only moments later by frustrated hands.

It’s so tempting.

Yet every time, with a sigh of dismay, I don’t. I think I’m starting to over-analyze my own thoughts. Maybe I’m a little simpler than I think. Because deep down, I know what I want. And I’m helplessly, desprately, trying to convince myself otherwise.

Yet again the phone is dropped, and the agitation only grows. I think I’m scared.

I dropped off more college papers today. I had another two hour conversation with the girl in the admissions office. She’s a coming sophmore I think, but I feel like I’ve known her for a while. Sometimes it surprises me how quickly I make friends. I’m not socially inept at all, I just prefer to be alone. Vice or virtue?

I went and saw GI Joe with Nate too. Horrible movie. Terrible movie. Yet I still plan on seeing the (obviously-being-made) sequal. There are some movies that are just so fun to mock, you have to see them. I mean, it’s fuckin GI Joe. Come on. How can you pass that opportunity up? It’s like an epic fail waiting to be laughed at.

I went in Hot Topic and was browsing the vinyl collection and found a Cage record. I might buy it for Nick, I remembered he showed me that Cage song. I wonder how he’s doing on vacation. I sort of want to ask, but I feel like this is his time away from everything around him. I hardly want to interupt.

Back to work tomorrow. Paycheck! Fuck yes!

7928.) I found the person who is absolutely perfect for me, but the truth is, I know that I will never be perfect for him and I have to learn to deal with that.

(via blogsecret)

I think the term equality really doesn’t exist. No one will ever be equal to another. Ever. No two things can ever be equivalent in quality. But then again quality is based entirely on perspective, and we can’t judge opinions (but we do, because in the end, we always think we’re right).

Sometimes I think I’m conceited because I understand the “big picture” more than any of my friends. Other times I’m intimidated by anyone who either intellectually or physically better than me. It’s not jealousy, it’s timidness.

I really wish it was August 26.

On the upside, I got my return check for my AP tests in the mail today! Being smart really does pay off in a literal sense.